


Alice's Letter

by creativityandcoffee



Series: Saying Goodbye (Letters to Q) [3]
Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-19 21:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19980454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativityandcoffee/pseuds/creativityandcoffee
Summary: I forgave you a long time ago, Q. Forgiving you was easy. But forgiving myself? That might take a lifetime.





	Alice's Letter

**Author's Note:**

> The third work of my Saying Goodbye (Letters to Q) series. Hope you enjoy!

_Quentin,_

I've been waiting to say goodbye to you until I could find the right words—until I could piece together the sentences and phrases into a message that would finally give me closure, and let me start to move on. But now that I've finally sat down to write... now that I'm as prepared as I'll ever be...

I still don't know what to say. 

And I don't think I ever will.

But at this point, it's now or never. I'm just going to write, and not overthink it all, and hope that this turns out how I want it to.

I've always found it difficult to trust my instincts; but right now, I feel like I should.

Our relationship was—well, _rocky_ , to say the least. We had a lot of good moments, and a lot of bad ones; days where our love was beautiful, and days where it was destructive; times when things were better than I'd ever dreamed they could be, and times when it seemed like both of us could do nothing but hurt each other, over and over again.

I'm sorry for all of the pain I put you through with my actions. And I know, even though you're not here to say it, that you never meant to hurt me. 

I forgave you a long time ago, Q. Forgiving you was easy. But forgiving myself? That might take a lifetime.

When we sat in the loft kitchen and kissed each other, it felt like we were making a good choice. It felt _right_ for us to get together again, right to _try_ again, to be _united_ again.

If I could go back in time to that moment now, though... I'd do things a bit differently. Keep the reconciliation, but get rid of the kiss.

At the bonfire—the one where we all tried to burn our pain away, even though we knew we couldn't—I kept thinking about everything that happened between you and me. And as I was sitting there, watching the flames devour our memories of you, I had a revelation. I finally realized something that I should have realized right after we first broke up.

We were always better together, Q—when we were together as _friends_. 

What tears me apart inside is that maybe, if you were still here, we could have learned that. Maybe we both would have realized that we could have best supported each other—best _loved_ each other—by simply having each other's backs. We never needed romance to be close to each other; in fact, I think that just got in the way of all we could have been.

But you're not here anymore. You're gone. You're _gone_ , _forever_ , and there's _nothing_ I can do with the insight I now have.

This is the most upsetting part, for me: that you'll never get to experience all of the caring that you deserve; that you can't live to eventually receive back all of the gentle, healing love you gave to everyone else, even when they didn't deserve it. 

_Especially_ when they didn't deserve it.

If we had more time, I think I would have learned how to return that kind of love to you.

At least, I hope I would have...

I'm still repenting for everything I've done. I still feel like I have to make up for all of the mistakes I made, for all of the missteps I took.

But I wouldn't even be trying to change my ways if it wasn't for you.

Every time I feel like giving up—every time I think it's pointless to try and improve, or that I might be better off just hiding away from everyone for the rest of my life—I hear your voice inside my head, infiltrating my darkest thoughts.

_You can still be the person you want to be, even with all of your regrets. Time's not your enemy, but rather your friend; let the past fade away, and embrace the future with open arms. If anyone can change themselves for the better, it's you._

I think all of your friends have your words stuck inside their heads, Q. I think all of us go through life with your quiet encouragement in the back of our minds, there for us whenever we need it most. 

You've given us all a gift that we were never able to repay: you gave us all a piece of yourself.

I'll end this letter by saying goodbye. But when I say it, it will only be addressed to part of you.

Quentin Coldwater's body is gone; I'll admit it.

Some aspect of Quentin Coldwater's soul is now roaming the Underworld; that I can't deny.

But the rest of him? His kindness, and light, and warmth, and hope? His love for everyone and everything?

All of that still lives on, and always will.

Goodbye, Quentin.

_— Alice Quinn_


End file.
